You've Been in China Too long When......................

(contributed by Sam Jenkins)

You Know You've Lived in China Too Long When...

1. When someone says 'snack', you think: salted cuttlefish.

2. The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.

3. You stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to plan your day.

4. You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "Up To You".

5. You start telling a story to a new expat friend about the crazy Beijing girl you slept with 6 months ago and he replies that he knows her and she was his girlfriend at the time. Neither of you care.

6. Hookers buy you drinks.

7. You get your first case of bronchitis and you have never smoked a cigarette in your life.

8. You can swear in 3 different dialects.

9. You stop enjoying telling newcomers to China "all about China".

10. You are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment, even though you'll probably never ever meet her again.

11. When you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if anybody's home.

12. You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more.

13. Smoking is one of the dinner courses.

14. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends.

15. Chinese stop you on the street to ask for directions.

16. People who haven't seen you for months don't ask where you've been.

17. Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.

18. Pizza just doesn't taste right unless there's sweet corn on it.

19. Eating at "Western" restaurants, you wait until after dessert to drink your soup.

20. That unopened bottle of XO has aged longer on your living room shelf than it ever did in France.

21. You can make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.

22. You (men) roll your shirt up to your nipples.

23. You have a purse and you are male.

24. You would never think of entering your house without first removing your shoes.

25. You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills.

26. You cannot say "Call me." without making a pretend phone with your fingers and sticking to your ear.

27. You think your nose IS kind of big.

28. You forgot the real purpose of the mirrors in the car.

29. You think the head light for the car is only to see the street so it's more save to switch on the high beam always.

30. You start to enjoy warm beer.

31. You think that Yao Ming is the best basketball player in the NBA.

32. You instinctively shake out your clothes before wearing to remove any dust from drying on your balcony.

33. You don't blink an eye when a complete stranger wants to take a photo of you with his family.

34. You know the words to all the KTV songs (English and Chinese).

35. When you go back to your own country it feels odd wearing a seatbelt and you think its strange that you can't smoke in a taxi.

36. You start correcting Southerners on their Putonghua.

37. When you can't imagine a meal without yi wan mi fan! (a bowl of rice).

38. When you go back to your home country and you find it odd that when going out to a restaurant, you don't have 5 wait staff welcoming you at the same time.

39. You find it strange when everyone's food at a restaurant is brought out at the same time.

40. You start making lists like this.

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You Know You're Chinese When..........................

(contributed by Sam Jenkins)

Here we go, 88 ways to know you're Chinese:
 
1. You look like you are 18.
2. You like to eat chicken feet.
3. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
4. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging on your rear view mirror.
5. You sing Karaoke.
6. Your house is covered with tile.
7. Your kitchen is covered by a sticky film of grease.
8. Your stove is covered with aluminium foil.
9. You leave the plastic covers on your remote control.
10. You've never kissed your mom or dad.
11. You've never hugged your mom or dad.
12. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
13. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses".
14. You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.
15. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
16. You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
17. You love to use coupons.
18. You drive around looking for the cheapest petrol.
19. You drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
20. You take showers at night.
21. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
22. You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
23. Most girls have more body hair than you, if you are male.
24. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
25. You say "Aiya!" and "Wah!" frequently.
26. You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable.
27. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.
 28. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can reuse the paper.
29. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
30. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
31. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you
need the vinyl tablecloth).
32. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
33. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
34. You have never used your dishwasher.
35. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
36. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
37. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
38. You have a piano in your living room 39. You pick your teeth at the
dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
40. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
41. You hate to waste food.
42. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one
leftover chicken wing.
43. You don't own any real Tupperware only a cupboard full of used but
carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
44. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
45. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take
every time you stay in a hotel.
46. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (travel
means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). These snacks are always
dried and include dried plums, mango, ginger, and squid.
47. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
48. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
49. The dash board of your Honda is covered by hundreds of small toys.
 50. You don't use measuring cups.
51. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
52. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
53. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling
information costs 50 cents.
54. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
55. If you are male, you clap at something funny and if you are female,
you giggle whilst placing a hand over your mouth.
56. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions.
57. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
58. You've learnt some form of martial arts.
59. Shaolin actually mean something to you.
60. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
61. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached.
62. You never call your parents just to say hi.
63. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if
you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
64. When you're sick, your parents tell you not to eat fried foods or
baked goods due to yeet hay.
65. You know what yeet hay is.
66. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only 10
feet apart.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat places.
69. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or
electronics.
70. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never
going to use them again.
71. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
72. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
73. You know what moon cakes are.
74. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store
them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
75. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
76. You iron your own shirts.
77. You play a musical instrument.
78. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw
away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
79. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.
80. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you
visit people's homes.
81. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
82. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
83. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they
prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in
the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same
neighbourhood.
84. You don't tip more than 0% at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip
Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
85. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
86. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the
last piece of food on the table.
87. You know why there are 88 reasons.
88. You see the truth in this and then send it to all your Chinese friends.